Rest in peace...

This morning I was given some news that has affected me more than I would have thought. I've been struggling to keep my composure all morning and feel like I need to write a letter to a lost friend, so bear with me.

Dallas, my estranged friend, I'm saddened by the news of your death. We were pretty close friends for a few years, then things fell apart. We both know the reason, so no need to put that dirty laundry out there. We had a lot of good times, and I still think about us sitting on the porch of the apartment getting ready for football games, me taping my pads and gear, and you painting your toe nails. Still cracks me up. I also remember basically missing your birthday party in the same apartment because I was drugged up on morphine after having knee surgery and missed the entire thing...noise and all. Going to the Cash was a pretty regular thing for us and we had "our" table that everyone knew.

There were also some pretty rough times. There was one particular girl you knew I liked but you went for it anyway. I blew it off because I didn't figure I had a chance anyway. The weekend Bobbie flew to Vegas for Jessie's bachelorette party was the end of our friendship. Even though we didn't speak again, I thought of you often and hoped you were getting your life together. I tried reaching out a couple of different times to see how you were doing but got no response. When I was told of your death this morning it really shook me. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me.

I wish I could have been more of a positive influence on you my friend. I know there was nothing I could do, and you felt you were in control of your life, I just wish it would have ended differently.

What fuels me...

Susan and I have been reading The 5 Love Languages lately because we want to make our relationship as strong and long-lasting as possible. It's been truly inspirational and enlightening. It didn't take long for me to figure out what hers was, even though we haven't quite finished the book yet, but I've struggled trying to ascertain what mine is. I've thought of all the things that make me feel good, but none have really struck a chord with me. Until this evening. I was watching a TV show while Susan was studying. One of the characters said something that pierced me to the core, and I knew my "love language" had been confirmed. He said, "I just want to make my dad proud." 

Now before I go any further, for anyone that hasn't read the book, your "love language" doesn't only apply to your love life. It applies to your life in general, every relationship you have, whether it is friendship, work, acquaintances, or any other human interaction. I realized the thing that fuels me, makes me want to do my best, please others, and do everything possible to make others happy is words of affirmation. Not long ago, my boss sent an email to our team asking for feedback on what motivates us, makes us happy to come to work, and to go above and beyond. It took me a couple of days, but I finally replied. I was very honest in my thoughts, and took great care in the wording. I was a little fearful of her reply, but felt I owed it to her for the honest truth. The thing that fuels me is knowing I'm appreciated, sincerely telling me I've done a good job. My customers make me feel that way, always saying it to me verbally, sending me email saying how much they appreciate what I do for them, or just dropping by my office and saying thank you for taking care of us. My company on the other hand...not so much. Of course, this makes me work even harder to take care of my customers, to not let them down, to always do whatever I need to do to make sure their issue is resolved. I know they appreciate me, and I never want to let them down.

In my love life, Susan treats me the same way. She lets me know she appreciates me, loves me, and doesn't take me for granted. She evidently figured out my "love language" before I did. It took a TV show and thinking back to the email I sent to my boss before I figured it out. There are still a couple of other people in my life I hope will figure it out eventually; one I know never will but I can still hope, the other...well...some day he's going to tell me he's proud of me, and I'm going to feel like he actually means it. Until then, I'll just keep trying to be my best, give everything I have, and some day...

Recipe's that Rock!

So lately I've been seeing some really cool recipes and I want to keep track of them. I also want to start adding Halloween recipes, so if you have ideas, or a link to something cool, add it in the comments!

Here's the first one:

Here's another one (and remember these don't have to be just for Halloween!):

Emotional Roller Coaster

The past couple of weeks have really put me on an emotional roller coaster. It has shown me who my true friends and family are, who is standing beside me, and who is fighting against me. It's made me see why brother was fighting brother in the Civil War. That's exactly how this whole "chicken" drama has made me feel. I understand it so completely now. I've been amazed by who took a stand for me, and completely heart broken by those that showed exactly how they feel about me in who they supported. I've felt frustration over people arguing over something they didn't bother to get all the facts on, and felt alienated even further from some family members that knew exactly what the issue was and still supported the other side.

For the most part, I've been left with a feeling of sadness and of being without much of a family. I know I have a lot of people that care about me and love me, but there's something about seeing your family being so judgmental and bigoted. There's nothing like basically being told "I love you but..." There are no "buts" in love. You either love or you don't. There is no grey where love is concerned. Susan is going through the same thing, as are a lot of my friends. Seeing their pain, hearing the hurt in their voices, reading the pain and frustration in their posts. I feel it. I know exactly what they are going through, and there really isn't anything I can do except remind them that I love them unconditionally.

With so many people failing to get the facts, and make an attempt to understand why so many of us are upset and hurt, I found an article with 5 points on exactly the reasons this is affecting us the way it is.


1) The company has donated at least $5 million to organizations (including a certified hate group) that, among other things, depict gay people as pedophiles, want to make "gay behavior" illegal, and even say gay people should be "exported" out of America.

2) The company's president didn't merely say he supports traditional marriage. He said if you support gay marriage, you "are inviting God's judgment on our nation," and that we "shake our fist at Him" when we do. He also said same-sex marriage is the result of a "deprived" mind and called it "twisted up kind of stuff."

3) The company supports organizations that have claimed they can change gay people into straight people -- "pray away the gay" -- despite the fact that practically every major medical organization has stated that this is not only impossible but dangerous and harmful.

4) The media keep saying the company has never discriminated, but the truth is that it has been sued over a dozen times for employment discrimination. That's what a leading business publication, Forbes, stated in 2007, when they also called it a "cult" and reported that it's founder and CEO said he wanted to hire married people because they are more industrious and productive. He has also said he would probably fire someone who "has been sinful or done something harmful to their family members."

5) The company is just exercising their First Amendment rights by running a business based on the Bible, right? Wrong. There's a line between the "free exercise of religion" and violating the law. If the company is violating the law by discriminating against gay people, or by firing women so that they can be "stay home" moms, as one woman who is suing the company says in court documents, that's not exercising religious expression or free speech, and that's not a First Amendment issue. It may be, if the court decides, a violation of the law.

This is so important to us because it affects us on a basic level of being able to live our lives, go to work every day, as well as marry the person we love. This isn't about Freedom of Speech. They can say whatever they want. They can give their money to whoever they want. It's when we see our friends and family showing support for this company and the things the company is giving money to that hurts and upsets us.

There are no "buts" in love. If you love me, then love me unconditionally. If there are conditions attached, then it isn't love. If you stand beside me and support me, then do so. If you say "I don't care either way," then you've made a decision not to support me, therefore have decided against me. Just be honest with me, as well as yourself.