Moving forward

Ever have a reality check hit you right in the face when the last vestige of something you worked so hard for is taken away? That's life telling you to let go of a "past life" and move on.

In 2006 I was finally able to buy a new (to me) vehicle with no help from anyone else. An '04 Jeep Grand Cherokee. I fought for over 4 years to keep it. Maintenance was always done, payments were never missed or late, and the insurance was always paid. I took pride in it. It was a symbol of my independence. It was my baby. It became like a friend. I know that sounds silly but for a long time it was the only stable and consistent thing in my life. My work took me all over the world, and I was never home more than a few days at a time, but the first thing I did when I got home was go for a drive, even if it was a short one. It was comforting.

Then I met someone who turned my world upside down (in a good way) and made me want to settle down, put some roots down, and have a real home. I left my job and moved to California. The Jeep was still my sanctuary, but slowly became less so over the years. More important things took it's place: family, work, life in general. Slowly, it became harder and harder to pay the bills and I knew the Jeep would need to go. It broke my heart.

The Jeep had sat in the drive for several months when I finally decided to go out and try to start it up. I tried for hours, doing everything I could think of to bring it back to life, but it had sat too long and the battery had died completely. I locked the doors and walked back in the house. Occasionally I would walk by and run my hand along the hood, and let the memories float in. That chapter of my life was closing. I could feel it. I just wasn't ready to let go completely.

Today, two gentleman came by to pick it up. They both made comments about how well it had been taken care of, and loved. As they drove away with my baby, I felt the last string of my old life cut away. It was hard. It still is. I feel like part of me is gone. Tears flow freely. This is hard. I want to just curl up and feel sorry for myself, hide away from everyone and everything.

Then I start thinking about it. This is the end of a past life. It's time to let it go and move forward. My home is here now. My life is here now. Maybe this is what I needed to finally come to terms with, where I am in life, and decide which direction I will take. Time to grow up just a little more. Trust me, I've fought growing up my entire life. I've tried to maintain the "I'll be a teenager forever" frame of mind. Maybe this was the little nudge (or smack in the head) I need to make me take another step forward.

All this over a vehicle? I don't think it's so much the vehicle as what it stood for to me. Maybe somebody is trying to show me I don't need it any longer. Who knows. I'm trying to take it as a good thing, a sign that it's time to make something new and better where I am, physically and in life. We'll see if it sticks, but here's to looking on the bright side.